It's been awhile...

So I haven't posted since Sept. A lot has happened. The bf has put in his two weeks at work so that he will be able to turn himself into the police the second week of Jan '12. The only problem is that I've tried to tell him he's not coming back and that I'm not bailing him out. His response was to start lavishing the love and attention I've been missing. He's done chores, completed projects and even written me a poem. He's going to make this as difficult as possible... but I simply can't bring him back. My husband came back to the state today apparently but according to him he has no control over plans and doubts he will have time to see me between family stuff, friend stuff and the wedding of a former LPO. Lame, but I don't really blame him. I've been telling him for months that the bf would be gone, but he still isn't. He probably doesn't believe a word I say anymore. I've changed my eating habits and begun working out again. As a result I've lost nearly 30lbs and I'm currently hovering at 145. Tonight is New Years and I'm putting away groceries and cleaning the house while the bf takes a nap. Double lame. But this will be the start of a new me.

This year will be the year of me. I will not compromise. I will pay off debt. I will save money. I will lavish my animals with love. I will back off from the ex and let him cope however he needs to. I will work hard. I will live responsibly. I will continue to lose weight. I will dance.

Monday, bloody monday

Woke up this morning, took my vitamins and took about 4 bites of cereal before getting sick. I lay in bed until it was time to go to work. After much deliberating I did go, but I made us about 5 minutes late in my reluctance to actually leave the bed. As the day progressed I got to feeling better, but had zero appetite. The bf made me eat some of my tv dinner lunch but I seriously didn't want anything. Then he wanted to stop for gas station food on the way home. Blech.


I have no idea how many calories I took in because of those gas station breakfast sandwiches I ate to appease the bf. But I'm thinking that I do a good workout at work. When I'm on my standard station my bpm is about 120, which is the low end of my cardio range.

Bathroom restoration!

Saturday - 
Finished buying all the stuff needed for the light bathroom remodel. 50's sears medicine cabinet torn from the wall. Ugly sink and counter top torn from the wall (mouse nest found underneath with nibbled wall damage). Walls got two coats of primer after I sanded everything down. Mirror was hung with only a minor amount of finaggling. Pedestal sink was assembled and put up, new piping installed and it leaves a TON more space to maneuver in the bathroom. Before it looked like an after thought with the toilet so close to the tub you could knock your knees on it, garish sink/counter, obtrusive metal cabinet that jutted out into the room about 2.5 feet and rusty medicine shelves. It already looks ages better. The caulking around the tub is still bad, the FIP board in the actual shower is yellowed and stained, the linoleum looks like pee... but it's livable! The bf still thinks he's going to move the toilet to a different wall so that one may defecate with the luxury of having your legs properly in front of you... but I don't think that's ever really going to happen. Oh, and we hung new towel racks. All in all, great work for one day. I really felt that I needed to reward him, and of course that would be sexually, but we were exhausted and I really don't want to have sex with him anymore. This was a good day.

Sunday - I cleaned all day. Organised the cabinets in the kitchen, did loads of laundry which I also folded and put away. Sorted through my jeans between work, regular and goodwill (actually giving up several pairs, including jeans I'd salvaged from the trash pile my husband left of the kitchen floor when he moved out. Quite an accomplishment. Cleaned the laundry room, picked up the bedroom, motivated the bf to hang the hooks back up in the bedroom that fell down, changed the bed sheets, took all my vitamins and helped cook dinner. I ate a bowl of cereal, milk (120 calories) and had a bowl of pasta/red sauce/mushroom. I all it was a good day.

Toilet seats and diet breaking

After a few days of a mutual bad attitude between the boyfriend and I, we headed into the big city to do some errands. A new toilet seat cover to replace the ratty one in our rented house... that looks as though it was installed when the house was built. A large beveled mirror to replace the horrific medicine cabinet that looks as though it carries tetnus and a pedestal sink so that we may rip out the large, horribly painted wooden cabinet and sink that takes up nearly a fourth of our bathroom. The last two items I found on craigslist for a very good price! Added to the shopping was a large can of white paint to re-do the walls and ceiling, and the bathroom will be looking spectacular in no time. My ultimate desire would be to rip down the shower panel walls and Formica and replace them with an updated shower board I saw at Menards today. Only $20 a panel and the bathroom is so small, would be no problem. But finances aside, I only rent and I suppose it would be too grand a gesture.

I had badgered the bf into taking most our money and squirreling it away into a fund for hiring him an attorney. He fought the idea, smoked several cigarettes out of frustration... and conveniently let me forget to do it while we were out running errands. He also had no problem spending a ton of money today on anything I wanted for the bathroom, groceries and eating out. Anything to stall going to jail I suppose. I won't allow him to continue this. Especially at the expense of my diet. I'm holding steady at 160lbs and I'm not about to slide backwards.

Upon returning home he fell asleep on the couch. I puttered around awhile waiting until he woke so he could put the new toilet seat together. After 4 hours I gave up, rolled up my sleeves and did it myself. It took a good bit of struggling to get the damn thing off. After several minutes of playing by the rules and using a screwdriver I finally lost patience and ripped the left hinge off. Then twisted it and pried it against the bowl to pull the second hinge loose. It was a snap installing the new lid and I'm quite please with the results. I'm wishing I'd taken before pics of the bathroom for after everything is painted and installed, but who would really care? LOL.

My first stab at a true documentation of myself.

I have had blogs in the past. Some quite negative, others simply to chronical an emotionally abusive relationship. I've now come to terms with the choices I have made and I'm ready to start fresh. I will not focus on anyone other than myself here. I may mention the boyfriend I currently live with, but my honest hope is that he is gone soon. I may also mention my husband but he has moved several states away and claims to be attempting to file for divorce. In the past I have been far too focused on these two individuals; love, loathing and regret. But I've decided I must move on for my own good. I can pine away for the love I threw away, I can cling to what I have now and hope for the best... or I can let go of everything and come to terms with the fact that I must be myself first and foremost.

This will be a place to honestly speak of my day, chronicle my food and exercise, and take note of my failures and triumphs. While in truth this can't start until the boyfriend has left, I will try my hardest to better myself even while he lives with me. And pray to god I have the conviction to sever ties with him once he has turned himself into the police.

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